Tuesday, 23 August 2016

The Bedtime Story



Every night, my father would tell me the same story, the story of the Dragon and the Wizard.

It was the same story his father had told him, and his father had told him, and so on, all the way back to when the Dragon lay dead and when the Wizard was the one telling the story to his son.

Of course, eventually, I realised that it was constantly changing, morphing to be what it had to be, probably for many generations.

Hence I didn’t feel bad when I changed it to a Dragon and a Witch for my daughter…

Monday, 22 August 2016

Going Sugarless



It was probably the hardest decision he’d ever made. But he had to face facts. Sugar had to go.

He just couldn’t handle it anymore, the impact on his wallet alone... Everywhere, every shop, he’d have to shill out a few bucks on some candy there, a milkshake there, and that’s not even counting all the meals out. Sugar always featured heavily in those.

So, for the benefit of his health, his mental wellbeing, his budget, every aspect of his life, they all pointed in the same direction.

He knocked on the door. Sugar opened it, and he dumped her.

Sunday, 21 August 2016

Nice Assumption



It was kinda hard to not notice her when I walked into the lecture hall. She was bent over the desk, her pink hotpants leaving little to the imagination, and the butterfly tattoo peeking out the top filling in some blanks.

But I wasn’t about to jump to conclusions. I’d heard far too many stories about people making assumptions to make one here. So, I coughed politely. She spun around, hair flying everywhere.

“Yeah?”

“I was looking for a Professor Winter?”

“Do I look like a professor?”

“Not a traditional one.”

She smiled.

“Good, because I ain’t a traditional professor…”

Saturday, 20 August 2016

Breaking Out The Thesaurus



The first thing I ever said to her was ‘I Love You’.

It was at a charity trivia night, she was the friend of a friend, and she was trying to finish the movie title that started with ‘P.S.’

She always remembered that, and thus when we became a couple, I wasn’t able to say those three words, since it always sounded weird to her, given they were my first words to her.

They were also my last words to her, my darling wife, as she lay on her death bed.

Her last words to me were “Still sounds weird…”

Friday, 19 August 2016

True Artist’s Fear



“Do you know what artists fear more than anything?”

“Chainsaw wielding maniacs?”

“… What?”

“You know, big scary guys with chainsaws, running around going ‘AHHHHH’ and shit.”

“No no, I understand the concept, I just… Why would artists fear them?”

“Well, doesn’t everyone?”

“I… You… Yes, alright, fine, technically, but what do artists specifically fear most, is what I’m getting at.”

“Oh, uh, their art coming to life and turning on their creators?”

“That has literally never happened.”

“Exactly, well overdue for it to happen!”

“No it’s…

No, look, artists fear, more than anything-“

“Bears?”

“…

Yes, bears. Well done.”

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Caught Illegality



“It's only illegal if you get caught.”

I heard that a lot from my parents, as I grew up. The first few times, it was after I’d ruined some scam by asking a question or saying that wasn’t true, and they’d explain things to me, after my beating of course.

At first I was just told to cry, and they’d handle the rest. Then, over time, I began to take a more active role, I’d set up the scam and my parents would do the payoff.

But since they quickly found out I turned them in, that make it illegal?

Wednesday, 17 August 2016

Tall Poppy Syndrome

There's this Aussie thing, 'Tall Poppy Syndrome'. It kicks in when someone gets a little too famous, a little too popular, when the Poppy stands a little taller than the other Poppies would like.

At that point, the other Poppies will start to cut them back down to size. A gentle mocking, a dismissive downgrade of their talent, through to attacks that the Tall Poppy has "forgotten it's roots" or some such.

It's a byproduct of the inferiority complex the Aussie nation has overall.

I would have noticed it kicking in for me, but the air's so thin up here...