Wednesday, 30 July 2014

John 14:2, James 0



My death was rather dull, to be honest. But afterwards, when I ascended to Heaven, that was spectacular as you can expect. Although it was odd, after I was welcomed by St Peter, he led me down some corridors, muttering something about ‘cultural job fixations’, and then opened a door. Inside was a hotel room, basically. A really nice, one, but still just a hotel room.

“Here’s your room.”

I licked my lips slowly.

“Uh, John 14:2 says I got a whole mansion…”

He chuckled to himself.

“I’ll book you some time with King James and a baseball bat then.”

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Buzzword Incompliant



The new CEO approached the podium and looked out at his new employees. Behind him, the screen flicked to a transcript of what he was saying.

“The key to success is communication.

Because by bringing to the table a clear goal of improving this organization’s stratcoms, at the end of the day we can leverage synergy without losing out client-centric focus. I’m not looking for a paradigm shift, but instead a continuation of the process of transitioning to a seamless integration of our core competencies.”

He paused, letting his words sink in.

“If anyone writes stuff like that, they’re fired.”

Monday, 28 July 2014

Letting Whoever Sort Them Out



For decades, the two countries had been in various stages of war. They still didn’t recognize the other’s existence, and thus a constant cycle of attacking, defending, ceasefires long enough to rebuild their arsenals and start over yet again occurred.

Various countries supported either side, often switching, until eventually everyone got fed up. So all of their borders were surrounded by Allied troops, and both sides were given six months to sort it all out for good or else.

At the end of the six months, they’d wiped each other out.

At least, that’s what all the armies said happened…

Sunday, 27 July 2014

The Outlier



‘Only at participating restaurants.’

That always confused me. It’s a fast food chain that has worldwide domination. So much so that they’re practically a byword for obesity, that’s how big they are. And yet they have outlets that don’t cater to the directives from on high? Where and who are these outlets? I had to find them.

The corporate HQ was for some reason reluctant to tell me, but I finally found out the one store that never took part in the offers. I went there.

Turns out, it’s cheaper to build an outlier than actually improve most benchmark stats…

Saturday, 26 July 2014

A Long Time Waiting



With the death in France, Helen became the oldest woman in the world, and so of course a bunch of news crews came to get ‘human interest’. They all asked the same basic question, what she attributed her long life to.

“Every day, I get up, and after eating, I cut up some chicken necks my neighbour brings home for me. Once they are small enough, I walk down to the back fence and wait until the cat appears and I feed him.”

“Oh, so doing good deeds-“

“No, I’m sticking around until it shows me an iota of gratitude!”

Friday, 25 July 2014

Minutes From Post-Apocalypse



“First order of business-“

“Seriously, you’re gonna do this now?”

“First order of business-“

“No no no, I’m sorry, we’re up against an army of mutant freaks intent on wiping out all of humanity, and now’s the time for the weekly meeting?”

“I agree with Andrew.”

“Only because you’re in love. You were saying Boss?”

“Thank you. First order of business, supplies. I hate to be the bad guy here, but Victoria, you exceeded-“

“Hey, I’m pregnant! I’m eating for two!”

“Nevertheless-“

A mutant then crashed through the barricade, and all my multiple personalities shut up and got to work.

Thursday, 24 July 2014

The Beginning Of A New Life



The traditional walk after inauguration brought the President-Elect right to me. As she shook my hand, I asked her, “What should I do with my life?”

She turned back to face me, those famously intense eyes locking on mine. “Chase your dreams, young man. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do something, that you’re not good enough. If you work hard and dream big, anything is possible, you can have anything you want if you work hard and apply yourself.” She finished, clasping my hand in hers.

The Supreme Court ruled 6-3 that this wasn’t a valid defence.